Patients Say The Darndest Things #5

Shawty Got...


Responding to a page telling me a discharged patient isn't feeling well....

Your Humble Observer: Sir, is there something wrong?
Patient: My stomach feel low.
YHO: Feel low?
Patient: Ya, feel low.
YHO: What does that mean? Do you have any pain?
Patient: No. No pain, just low.
YHO: Nausea? Vomiting?
Patient: No. Just low.
YHO: Heartburn? Fever? Chest Pain? Indigestion? Touch of malaria?
Patient: No. Just low.
YHO to nurses: Anyone have any idea what that means?

(crickets)

YHO: OH FOR THE LOVE!!
(takes patient by the hand and leads him back to his hospital room.)

Patients Say The Darndest Things #4

A Rose By Any Other Name Would Smell As Sweet

Resident: So do you want us to take a piece of this [mass] so we can figure out what it is?
Patient: You can take a piece, but I don't want no biopsy. I already told them.
R: Sir, a biopsy is just our fancy way of saying "taking a piece". It's the same thing.
P: No, I don't want no biopsy. You can take a piece but no biopsy.
R: Sir, I'm trying to explain that they're the same thing.
P: I already told you I don't want no biopsy.
R: So you don't want us to take a piece?
P: No.
R: (shaking head) Fine. Just sign off on this patient.

Patients Say The Darndest Things #3

D: Sir, do you have any other medical problems?

P: No, no medical problems.

D: High blood pressure? Diabetes? Heart problems? Cancer?

P: Oh, you mean like medical problems? Ya, I’ve got blood pressure and diabetes.

No, no, I meant FINANCIAL problems the first time I asked. But I'm glad you are sharing your medical problems with me.

Patients Say The Darndest Things #2

D: Ma’am, are you still bringing up sputum this morning?
P: Nah, I don’t have any spit ‘em.

Do you know what it takes to not burst out laughing in front of a patient?

Patients Say The Darndest Things #1

D: So, Mrs. T, what brings you into the hospital today?

P: An ambulance.

I actually heard "Wah, Wah, Wah" in the background right after this encounter.